Tigger or Eeyore?

The last day of 2011.  Good.  Really what I want to do is sit on the couch all day wrapped in a blanket, with a cup of tea and an absorbing book.  But, actually, that's what I want to do every day.  We have been invited to Mary's in the afternoon, and then to see Robert Downey in the new Sherlock Holmes and then to Jay and Donnette's for a glass of wine, and so that is what we will probably do.  And, we will have fun.  I do not want to think back on the year that has passed, I want to wipe it from my memory!  I don't really want to look forward, I don't want to know what is in store for us.  I will just be happy for today.

Elves

As usual, we bought  the kids pencils with their names on them.  This morning, I stopped them at the door to the classroom and told them that the Elves had come during the night and left a present for them on their desks.  Not one child accused me of being the "Elf"  but over and over this morning, children asked me how the Elves knew their names...

christmas card

No amount of joy will balance out the burden of sorrow this Christmas
Nor any amount of water wash away the layer of grief and sadness
This will be the year that changed us all
Not stronger for the grief
The muscles of mourning help only to carry on to the end
Not to make lighter the weight

Surely

 Not happy, but still, I AM thankful.  I am thankful for terrible things, like: Aiden did not have to live any part of his life in a vegetative state, and that three peoples' lives were saved by the donation of his organs. I am thankful for regular things, like: hot water in my shower, Sirius radio in the car and DVR on the TV; and important things, like: Imitrex, friends and family, Muna's big house that allows us to all gather in a "The Relatives Came" sort of visit, weddings and babies, and a nice class of kids that I am glad to spend the day with.  I can recognize that yes, indeed, I am blessed.

Lauren "You're Not Listening To Me" Newkirk

(While the kids were here this weekend I caught Lauren sitting in front of Alex, with his face between her hands, staring into his eyes and saying to him, "Focus, Alex, focus, focus, focus!" Pretty sure he didn't have a choice.)

hmmm

Today we are off to a 2nd grade field trip to the Feline Breeding Compound in Rosamond.  It is like a little zoo with all kinds of cats, from Servals to Tigers...the kids are so excited to just go somewhere, anywhere.  I always say that they would be just as happy to sit in the bus and ride around town.  One little boy told me that he is going to take some Benadryl before we go because  he is allergic to cats.  Hmmmmm. With visions of the teenager who was mauled in the tiger cage at the SF Zoo in my head,  I said, You are NOT going to be touching any cats!  You are only going to be walking around and LOOKING!  and once more for good measure, you are NOT TOUCHING any cats!  Then we go the fire station in Mojave (and no touching any firefighters either...) and have lunch in the park.  Back to school in time for afternoon recess and writing thank you letters and the day is done.  The school day, anyway.

Tonight, Kath, Abby, Nate and I are going down to Mercy Hospital for a grief counseling presentation on surviving the holiday after the death of a loved one.  Trying to figure out what to do about that very expensive tree we bought last year, the one Aiden loved so much.  I have thought about trying to find a boy angel to put on top.  Seems hokey...but we have needed a new tree topper for several years.  The tree is the hardest thing to think about this year.  Kath suggested doing new things and making new memories.  She is going to Yosemite for Thanksgiving week.

Am I ok?

OK, everybody, stop worrying about me.  Am I okay?  Yes...and no.  Yes, I feel sad everyday.  I miss Aiden.  I feel sad for Scott and Abby and Sam and all the rest of the family who are also missing Aiden.  But also, yes, I am going on with life.  I go to work and enjoy the kids, and eat lunch with the other teachers and talk about their kids and husbands and dogs and vacations and I enjoy that, and I have family over and go to soccer games and play with babies and watch TV...while at the same time, there is always an underlayer of sadness.  But I am not worried about me.  I feel what I feel and I am fine.  When I don't want to talk, I don't.  But that doesn't mean I am not acknowledging my grief, I just don't want to dwell in it...to wallow in it.  I have lots of private time to grieve and I do.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wishing it had never happened? Yes.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wondering about where he is now? Yes.  Am I tired of having to tell people I am ok? YES!  

Aiden giving the weather report at the Lori Brock Museum.  It was very serious work!

A rainbow on the way home

What a treat to spend the weekend being spoiled by my mom and such a bonus to get to spend a whole day with my sister and THEN to get to play with my adorable chubby little GREAT niece (though we have to make allowances for the Steelers jersey!)  The sun was even out and dinner at The Italian Job and a cute chick flick movie, French Film, and a comfy night in the new queen size bed in the guest room.

CM on A Gifted Man; astrocytoma on Grey's

I can't stop watching all my TV shows: House, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, A Gifted Man--medical shows that always have an optimistic outcome and these days I keep waiting for them to JUST once have a realistic outcome.  I know, I know, who wants to watch a show that is supposed to be escapist fantasy and end up in a sad depressed puddle on the couch?  But it would make ME feel better to have those TV people deal with the really hard stuff...that thousands of us normal people have to figure out...how to keep going on when the outcome is tragic...When we discover we have no control and there isn't a miracle?

Aiden movie

This is a movie Aiden made of himself, just a few weeks before he died. I think on the same day as the heaven video.   Blogger didn't download it very well, but I like to hear his voice and I thought that you might too.  I usually stay away from watching the videos, but sometimes I can't help it and, like pouring salt in a wound, sit and watch them all.

Abby is babysitting Nate's brother's 2 year old son and I can't explain why, but it is hard for me to think of Abby with someone else's son.  She seemed to have fun with him today, though, and I know that the money will be helpful to them.

Just to kick grief off the top of my blog

I know Sheila, I haven't posted anything in a while...It is so hard to know what to say.  No one wants to read my honest thoughts these days and I don't want to see them on my blog.  So here are some things that are true:
 --Leticia is back at work and today I came home to a clean house
--the peaches are ripe and SO juicy
--I have a classroom full of sweet, cooperative kids who are excited to learn
--SUSIE AND JOE ARE MARRIED!

A Grief Observed

"If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost, but for what her dead child has lost,  it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created." CS Lewis

You think about all the things Aiden didn't get to do in the immediate future:  play on the big playground with Sam (the first day's recess was SO hard, I had to leave the playground),  losing his first tooth (we also had a tooth come out the first day of school), learning to swim, ride a bike...

So is it a comfort to believe that Aiden is in heaven?

On a lighter note: Shopping

Yesterday was our annual school shopping trip.  I hadn't even thought about the tradition I have of taking Leah and Sam to get a First Day of School outfit and a new backpack, so when Sam asked when we were going, I harrumphed and didn't really answer.  Knowing that going without Aiden, who was SO looking forward to first grade, would be hard.  But as with all decisions this summer, I had to make it with my head and not my heart, and my head said, no reason to sit at home and brood, go!  I invited Abby, she invited Nate.  I bribed Emma with the promise that we would go to Moo Creamery for lunch and she could have Just ice cream, explained to Sam that he couldn't go to our house and watch the Dodger game with Granpa because Granpa was working at school, and off we went.  First to Moo Creamery, where Emma had Just ice cream, Abby had a Guiness Float, Nate discovered Basil Lemonade ("I am never going to drink lemonade without basil!") and Chris joined us for lunch.  Then to Kohl's...Emma found an outfit that included a silvery sequined tie ("I am going to wear this everyday forever!")  Then came time to check out.  Here is how THAT went:
Cashier: Do you have a Kohl's card?
Me: Yes, but I am not going to use it today.
Cashier:  Did you get a scratch off in the mail?
Me: No, would it save me money?
Cashier: Yes, I have one here, you just have to put it on your Kohl's card.
Me: (sigh) ok...
Scratch off--15% off, good enough.
Cashier: You don't have your card with you?
Me: No, I haven't used it in a long time
Cashier: Then put your SS # in and the computer will look it up....Oh, it says your account is closed.  Would you like to reopen it?
Me;  How much will it save me today?
Cashier: 30%
Me:  It's getting better (this is now up to like,   $60! off)
     --Now I have to punch in lots of numbers to answer lots of private questions, but I am still thinking that $60 is worth it--
Cashier: Oh, you were not approved.
Me: WTH? How could I not be approved? Does it tell you why?
Cashier: It says you already have an account......
Me:  BIG SIGH
Cashier: Don't worry I will still give you a discount because of all the time you spent on this.

I walk out of the store and look at my receipt and she somehow managed to give me TWO separate 15% discounts AND a 10% SENIOR DISCOUNT.

I am not even upset about the senior discount because I saved about $80!

Yay for the cute cashier at Kohl's!

How does having faith help? Don't know...

For the last few years as I have lost (and I do not use this as a wimpy euphemism because I am reluctant to use the word die, I use it because it is how I feel after the people I care about have died, I feel that I have lost Frank, Penny,  Carol, Dory, Dad, Kathy, Ray, Aiden) these people in my life, I have been trying to figure out what life means.  Death/Life...can't have one without the other.  I don't know what the purpose of my life or anyone's life is without some kind of faith in God.  I have to believe in the soul, and I have to believe that it does not disappear into nothingness.  And if there is an eternal heavenly life, what is the point of this life?

Thank goodness CS Lewis has trod this path before me.  So in slowly reading his journal after his beloved Joy died, he asks the same questions I ask, and since he is SO smart and honest, reading his journal is almost like reading my own, if I were to keep one, which I don't because I am too lazy...

Like this:
 "Talk to me of the truth about religion and I'll listen gladly.  Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively.  But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I will suspect that you don't understand."

Yeah, I don't care about seeing them again one day "on that happy shore".  I am mourning the life that we do not now have and the future that we will never have.

Not sure what the answers are, I haven't gotten to the end of this little book, I have a feeling there are no answers, but there are lots of questions and I will not flinch from asking them, as CS Lewis doesn't flinch. So I don't know where I am going, and even if I will know when I get there...

Now what?

I have several unpublished half written posts, some of them not even complete sentences, because what can I say?  We all miss Aiden, we can't believe he is gone, we wish we knew exactly what happened that night, we are afraid of a future that now is empty of him, the shape of our family has a hole that will never be filled.  Some days we talk about him and are fine, some days are torture to get through.  The summer is about over, school starts in a week, and we dread school without him and also look forward to a more productive routine to the day than we have endured this summer.

This is a video of Aiden dictating a shopping list to me.  Filmed 2-20-2010.

Little things I miss:

Little things I miss:

Playing Bookworm on the computer with Aiden snuggled next to me, suggesting words
The sound of Aiden's laughter in the funny parts of movies or shows
His little boogie dance to The Cat Came Back
Drinking Aiden's bathtub "tea"

Heaven Is For Real

Just finished reading Heaven Is For Real.  Some thoughts:

He makes a big deal about how much praying was done over his little Colton in their time of need, how he prayed and the congregation prayed and how God answered their prayers.  If Colton hadn't been healed, would he consider their prayers answered, or would he feel abandoned by God?

Jesus told Thomas that blessed are those who do not see evidence and yet believe, so if Todd Burpo and all the people Colton told about heaven have had their strengthened by SEEING evidence, is it a lesser faith?  How much harder is it for me to continue to believe in the face of Aiden's NOT being healed.  We would be joyous and believing and spreading the word of the miracle if Aiden had survived.  He didn't.  Can we still believe that God loves us and answers prayers?  If we can, then that is truly faith.

There are so many cliches and pat answers.  And I know them all.  They don't help me because they seem so shallow and not real.  Unless you become like a child...simple faith.

Aiden explains heaven

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Happy 35th Anniversary, Scott!

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Bird in the...toilet?

Ok, here's the story.  The picture gives away the ending, but I have to start at the beginning.  I was sitting on the couch in the family room, when, WHOOSH, through the room, gliding inches above the floor, comes a bird, who then slides into the patio door.  Patch jumps off the couch and I jump up and grab her.  "Scott, there's a bird, come quick, I've got the cat!"  He comes running with barbeque chicken in hand.  I point to door and say "Over there!"  He starts looking.  No bird.  I hold the cat.  Scott moves curtains, dog bed, chair.  No bird.  I continue holding the cat and give excellent suggestions from the sidelines.  "Look under the chair.  Behind the TV.  On the fireplace"  No bird.  Dinah shows no interest and Patch is ready to scratch my eyes out, so I lock her hissing and snarling, in the kitchen with Bella.  (Sorry Bella...) and join the search.  Scott, in all his manliness, grabs the heavy duty flashlight and we look everywhere.  Under the couch.  On top of the TV cabinet, in the cat house.  Under the bookcase.  IN THE BATHROOM!  No bird.  Really, Scott, I swear, THERE WAS A BIRD.  But now I am starting to doubt my sanity. Really...!!!There was a bird and now there is not a bird.  So where did it go?  I let Patch back in, hoping she will find the bird, in all her cattiness.  But she runs outside to roll around the patio.  An hour later, I hear splashing in the toilet, and here it is, the bird.  "It's in the toilet, I told you there was a bird!" I gently grab it and place it outside, with the cats locked INside.  I think the bird is fine, it flew away.  After a little bath in the toilet.

May Day

It's a beautifully clear May Day today...still windy, but lovely sunshine and lilacs.  I wanted to put a picture on here of a Maypole Dance we stumbled on in Kensington Gardens when we were in London with Mom and Ray, but the picture is on the other computer and I can't figure out an easy way to move it to this computer.  So you will just have to picture it...warm summer day in the park, we hear fiddle music and come across a folk music festival in a lovely glade ("glade" is a word you only use when you are writing about England.  Or fairies.) and off to the side there is a Maypole set up and children and adults are following the complicated directions of the "caller" (like in square dancing) to twine the ribbons around the pole.  It was lovely.  I know, that is the third time I have used the lovely in this paragraph, but it was.  And I like the word.

A hard decision

Poor little Rascal just had all the cards stacked against him, too many to overcome.  If this was a book or movie and not real life, he would have made a miraculous recovery from his last obstacle, but really it was just too much for a 2 1/2 pound puppy.  The compassionate decision was to end his struggle.

Rascal

Aiden loves Rascal, but can't decide what to call him.  Today he is "Scamper"

Patch is interested, but not yet mean to the baby

Bella's lazy life might be in for a bit of a change.

OK, so here is the complete story:  Donnette's son and daughter in law were up visiting and for some reason they were at the vet here with their little dog.  While they were there, a lady came in with this little puppy that she had rescued from the middle of 202/Woodford-Tehachapi.  She said she almost hit him as he was trying to cross the road!  He was very skinny and weak.  The vet told her that they did not take in strays. (I know, I know, they can't be a dumping ground, but still...a 5 week old puppy!) The lady already had 8 dogs and would be in big trouble with her husband if she brought home another, so Glen and Lisa stepped in. Glen paid to have him checked out, and he was declared weak, but basically healthy.  They bought all kinds of goodies, including a little collar and leash, and brought him home to Donnette's.  They determined together that he was allergic to the very expensive canned mother's milk from the vet, but he could keep down the gatorade and baby food.  We got him to eat a little last night, but this morning doesn't seem interested in the food.  We are allowing him tiny drinks of gatorade.  He is peeing and pooping, so we hope he will get stronger.  I have visions of camping!  and long walks! and playing frisbee in the park! Luckily, we are off for spring break this week and Donnette and Sharon both feel so guilty that they couldn't take him that they are very willing to help with puppy care for as along as we need it.

What do you do when you can't sleep?

The only times I can remember not being struck with the 3am no-sleeps was when I was pregnant with Chris and when I got up every morning at 3am anyway to deliver 400 Santa Barbara New Press papers.  So what do I do to while away the hours?  I refuse to get up, because one thing I know is that I have no chance of falling back to sleep if I get up.  I go through different stages of night time entertainment.  Sometimes I sing Eeny Meeney Disaleeney Ooh Ah Ah Meleaney while I keep rhythm with my fingers and I try to keep track of which finger I stop on when the song is finished.  I am not making this up, I have spent many many hours in this activity.  Or I make up rhymes which do not have to make any sense, just have a nice rhythm and satisfying rhymes.  Quickly and without thinking, like a jump rope rhyme, for instance:

My mother said to go to bed
And so I grabbed a dragon head
It bit me on the big fat knee
And so I put it in a tree...

Or I write stories.  Last night I rewrote Little Red Riding Hood, as a chapter book, in my head.

 I play a kind of scattergories games where I pick a category and try to think of an example for each letter of the alphabet.

I relive favorite days, or vacation itineries.

What do you do?

More Phoenix

Brandon holding up

Casey, the mom who closely monitors sugar intake, let the kids have dessert for dinner.  Which was fine until they had finished their dessert and our dinner was served.  Now the kids were hungry for dinner!  Casey gave them bread and beans and told them they could eat dinner when they got home.  Brandon DID get to order a cheeseburger....he moved to the grown up table.

At the T-Bone Steakhouse on South Mountain.  Casey and Gordon ride the horses up here and have dinner.  The kids are all very impressed that there is sawdust on the floors.  The smoked chicken was...smokin'!

First download of pictures from our trip to Caseyland

On the road to Phoenix, just ahead of the storm

Shopping at the Arabian Horse Show

Cutest little cowboy in town.  Cash wore this all day.

Brandon is so cool with HIS car.   Can you see him shivering?  It was SO cold.  None of Casey's crew wore jackets.  Maybe they don't know what a jacket is in Phoenix...

Kyla brought out the crazy in Leah.

Graffitti on South Mountain...in the parking lot, not on the rocks.

Jen and Mom wave to the camera at sunset on the mountain

Gordon wanted a picture without Cash, but see his little cap?  He managed to get into the picture anyway...

Anaya

Kyla

Oliver

The 6 kids...Kyla is there, just camouflaged.