christmas card

No amount of joy will balance out the burden of sorrow this Christmas
Nor any amount of water wash away the layer of grief and sadness
This will be the year that changed us all
Not stronger for the grief
The muscles of mourning help only to carry on to the end
Not to make lighter the weight

Surely

 Not happy, but still, I AM thankful.  I am thankful for terrible things, like: Aiden did not have to live any part of his life in a vegetative state, and that three peoples' lives were saved by the donation of his organs. I am thankful for regular things, like: hot water in my shower, Sirius radio in the car and DVR on the TV; and important things, like: Imitrex, friends and family, Muna's big house that allows us to all gather in a "The Relatives Came" sort of visit, weddings and babies, and a nice class of kids that I am glad to spend the day with.  I can recognize that yes, indeed, I am blessed.

Lauren "You're Not Listening To Me" Newkirk

(While the kids were here this weekend I caught Lauren sitting in front of Alex, with his face between her hands, staring into his eyes and saying to him, "Focus, Alex, focus, focus, focus!" Pretty sure he didn't have a choice.)

hmmm

Today we are off to a 2nd grade field trip to the Feline Breeding Compound in Rosamond.  It is like a little zoo with all kinds of cats, from Servals to Tigers...the kids are so excited to just go somewhere, anywhere.  I always say that they would be just as happy to sit in the bus and ride around town.  One little boy told me that he is going to take some Benadryl before we go because  he is allergic to cats.  Hmmmmm. With visions of the teenager who was mauled in the tiger cage at the SF Zoo in my head,  I said, You are NOT going to be touching any cats!  You are only going to be walking around and LOOKING!  and once more for good measure, you are NOT TOUCHING any cats!  Then we go the fire station in Mojave (and no touching any firefighters either...) and have lunch in the park.  Back to school in time for afternoon recess and writing thank you letters and the day is done.  The school day, anyway.

Tonight, Kath, Abby, Nate and I are going down to Mercy Hospital for a grief counseling presentation on surviving the holiday after the death of a loved one.  Trying to figure out what to do about that very expensive tree we bought last year, the one Aiden loved so much.  I have thought about trying to find a boy angel to put on top.  Seems hokey...but we have needed a new tree topper for several years.  The tree is the hardest thing to think about this year.  Kath suggested doing new things and making new memories.  She is going to Yosemite for Thanksgiving week.

Am I ok?

OK, everybody, stop worrying about me.  Am I okay?  Yes...and no.  Yes, I feel sad everyday.  I miss Aiden.  I feel sad for Scott and Abby and Sam and all the rest of the family who are also missing Aiden.  But also, yes, I am going on with life.  I go to work and enjoy the kids, and eat lunch with the other teachers and talk about their kids and husbands and dogs and vacations and I enjoy that, and I have family over and go to soccer games and play with babies and watch TV...while at the same time, there is always an underlayer of sadness.  But I am not worried about me.  I feel what I feel and I am fine.  When I don't want to talk, I don't.  But that doesn't mean I am not acknowledging my grief, I just don't want to dwell in it...to wallow in it.  I have lots of private time to grieve and I do.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wishing it had never happened? Yes.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wondering about where he is now? Yes.  Am I tired of having to tell people I am ok? YES!  

Aiden giving the weather report at the Lori Brock Museum.  It was very serious work!

A rainbow on the way home

What a treat to spend the weekend being spoiled by my mom and such a bonus to get to spend a whole day with my sister and THEN to get to play with my adorable chubby little GREAT niece (though we have to make allowances for the Steelers jersey!)  The sun was even out and dinner at The Italian Job and a cute chick flick movie, French Film, and a comfy night in the new queen size bed in the guest room.

CM on A Gifted Man; astrocytoma on Grey's

I can't stop watching all my TV shows: House, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, A Gifted Man--medical shows that always have an optimistic outcome and these days I keep waiting for them to JUST once have a realistic outcome.  I know, I know, who wants to watch a show that is supposed to be escapist fantasy and end up in a sad depressed puddle on the couch?  But it would make ME feel better to have those TV people deal with the really hard stuff...that thousands of us normal people have to figure out...how to keep going on when the outcome is tragic...When we discover we have no control and there isn't a miracle?

Aiden movie

This is a movie Aiden made of himself, just a few weeks before he died. I think on the same day as the heaven video.   Blogger didn't download it very well, but I like to hear his voice and I thought that you might too.  I usually stay away from watching the videos, but sometimes I can't help it and, like pouring salt in a wound, sit and watch them all.

Abby is babysitting Nate's brother's 2 year old son and I can't explain why, but it is hard for me to think of Abby with someone else's son.  She seemed to have fun with him today, though, and I know that the money will be helpful to them.