I know that I have not been writing anything. (No one else has been either...!) But every time I sit down and open up the 'new post' tab, nothing important comes to mind. Everything just seems so...trivial. Not that there isn't lots of good stuff going on. Namely weddings and grandbabies...but my heart just feels...deflated. Although the loss of Aiden, and of course that is the overarching loss of all, is huge, the loss of relationships with people I had cared for and felt pleasure in and committed to is a big part of my apathy about writing on a blog. Even as I write that word, blog, the intonation in my head says it with a tone of dismissal..."blog"...I feel let down and disappointed and who wants to read that? My surface mood is up and down and very normal, enjoying the company of my grandchildren and the flowers in my garden and breakfast with my friends, but the underneath mood is very flat and not very interesting. A lot of mental energy is being taken up with the struggle to put my faith into some kind of sense. Heaven--just can't see it as a streets paved with gold surrounded by our loved ones who have gone before us kind of place. God--personal? Just how involved is He? Does he really orchestrate every detail of our lives? If that is true than why, why, why the bad stuff? I have in lately years come to feel that God set everything up, put the rules in place, the conductor of the orchestra, but each musician is playing the music themselves, free to follow or not. But then I can't figure out the role of prayer. Do we really have the power to change the will of God? I want, want, want to believe that this earthly life is just a tiny part of our eternal life. But I can't come up with the shape of that eternal life. We are made in the image of God...and that has got to mean the spiritual image, the emotional image. The being who recognizes beauty in nature and love for each other. And anger. And disappointment. And humor. He KNOWS us, but we don't know Him except through our own window. We see through a glass darkly. And so what IS the point of this brief life? Why not just skip it and go directly to the eternal life, the one that counts? I hate to let my thoughts go down that black hole, the one that says this is all there is. But I have to let my thoughts occasionally slide down there in order to reaffirm that yes, I do, I HAVE to believe that all of creation has meaning. And purpose, even if I can't grasp what the meaning and purpose are.
Oh my goodness, whiny, whiny, whiny...and questions with no answers.
4 comments:
If this is all there is then how much that is. It is not just a moment of thousands of moments of sorrow and joy and oblivien. Each dependent on the other. It is like a puzzle that you can't see until the end. Purpose is not what is important. Life is change. That is hard.The trick is to take it all in not just the bad parts. Our minds trick us. Just when we think we have it figured out something happens to cast doubt.
I don't think that any words can answer your questions, Mom. Logic and reason are always there to work against the spiritual wisdom deep in our souls, and wonder and amazement will always gnaw at the fabric of the corporeal. The only real answer I can think to give you is exemplified in your post from May 30th 2011. Not much consolation, I know, but it's what we have.
What question?
I do not have experience with your specific pain, but I hope and pray that you are able to put it away to enjoy your beautiful family. It would be unfortunate to keep yourself from what could be in the relationship with those here today. Maybe then, you'll find that you can heal too.
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