Only small miracles

Chach says there are no coincidences, only small miracles...Yesterday Donna, Chach, Mary and I went to the Gene Autry Museum and PF Chang's and Ikea...a big day for us small town girls.  The museum was empty and I sat on the saddle and got to chase bad guys, or be chased...I am not sure which.  I did not fall off, that I do know!  But small miracle #1...I am reading the book Halfway to Heaven, about a man climbing all the "14ers" in Colorado...mountains over 14,000feet.  One of the first ones he climbed is the Mount of the Holy Cross.  He gives all the interesting background and I was intrigued so I looked it up.  It had a big cross of snow on it and a photographer named William Henry Jackson took a famous photo of it, then Thomas Moran painted a famous painting.

We walk into a gallery and there is the Moran painting on the wall.  I had just read all about it, and now here it was. live and in person.  So fun!

Another book I read this week was Gold Mountain, Lisa See's book about her family's journey from China to America.  Her great grandfather started the F. Suie One Co in Chinatown in LA.  And guess what?  Small miracle #2--The Autry Museum has an exhibit showing the F. Suie One Co!  I had just read all about it and now here it was, (almost) live and in person!  So fun!

Thanks Donna for driving your big red truck all over LA and even in the parking garage

Tigger or Eeyore?

The last day of 2011.  Good.  Really what I want to do is sit on the couch all day wrapped in a blanket, with a cup of tea and an absorbing book.  But, actually, that's what I want to do every day.  We have been invited to Mary's in the afternoon, and then to see Robert Downey in the new Sherlock Holmes and then to Jay and Donnette's for a glass of wine, and so that is what we will probably do.  And, we will have fun.  I do not want to think back on the year that has passed, I want to wipe it from my memory!  I don't really want to look forward, I don't want to know what is in store for us.  I will just be happy for today.

Elves

As usual, we bought  the kids pencils with their names on them.  This morning, I stopped them at the door to the classroom and told them that the Elves had come during the night and left a present for them on their desks.  Not one child accused me of being the "Elf"  but over and over this morning, children asked me how the Elves knew their names...

christmas card

No amount of joy will balance out the burden of sorrow this Christmas
Nor any amount of water wash away the layer of grief and sadness
This will be the year that changed us all
Not stronger for the grief
The muscles of mourning help only to carry on to the end
Not to make lighter the weight

Surely

 Not happy, but still, I AM thankful.  I am thankful for terrible things, like: Aiden did not have to live any part of his life in a vegetative state, and that three peoples' lives were saved by the donation of his organs. I am thankful for regular things, like: hot water in my shower, Sirius radio in the car and DVR on the TV; and important things, like: Imitrex, friends and family, Muna's big house that allows us to all gather in a "The Relatives Came" sort of visit, weddings and babies, and a nice class of kids that I am glad to spend the day with.  I can recognize that yes, indeed, I am blessed.

Lauren "You're Not Listening To Me" Newkirk

(While the kids were here this weekend I caught Lauren sitting in front of Alex, with his face between her hands, staring into his eyes and saying to him, "Focus, Alex, focus, focus, focus!" Pretty sure he didn't have a choice.)

hmmm

Today we are off to a 2nd grade field trip to the Feline Breeding Compound in Rosamond.  It is like a little zoo with all kinds of cats, from Servals to Tigers...the kids are so excited to just go somewhere, anywhere.  I always say that they would be just as happy to sit in the bus and ride around town.  One little boy told me that he is going to take some Benadryl before we go because  he is allergic to cats.  Hmmmmm. With visions of the teenager who was mauled in the tiger cage at the SF Zoo in my head,  I said, You are NOT going to be touching any cats!  You are only going to be walking around and LOOKING!  and once more for good measure, you are NOT TOUCHING any cats!  Then we go the fire station in Mojave (and no touching any firefighters either...) and have lunch in the park.  Back to school in time for afternoon recess and writing thank you letters and the day is done.  The school day, anyway.

Tonight, Kath, Abby, Nate and I are going down to Mercy Hospital for a grief counseling presentation on surviving the holiday after the death of a loved one.  Trying to figure out what to do about that very expensive tree we bought last year, the one Aiden loved so much.  I have thought about trying to find a boy angel to put on top.  Seems hokey...but we have needed a new tree topper for several years.  The tree is the hardest thing to think about this year.  Kath suggested doing new things and making new memories.  She is going to Yosemite for Thanksgiving week.

Am I ok?

OK, everybody, stop worrying about me.  Am I okay?  Yes...and no.  Yes, I feel sad everyday.  I miss Aiden.  I feel sad for Scott and Abby and Sam and all the rest of the family who are also missing Aiden.  But also, yes, I am going on with life.  I go to work and enjoy the kids, and eat lunch with the other teachers and talk about their kids and husbands and dogs and vacations and I enjoy that, and I have family over and go to soccer games and play with babies and watch TV...while at the same time, there is always an underlayer of sadness.  But I am not worried about me.  I feel what I feel and I am fine.  When I don't want to talk, I don't.  But that doesn't mean I am not acknowledging my grief, I just don't want to dwell in it...to wallow in it.  I have lots of private time to grieve and I do.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wishing it had never happened? Yes.  Do I still spend fruitless time and energy wondering about where he is now? Yes.  Am I tired of having to tell people I am ok? YES!  

Aiden giving the weather report at the Lori Brock Museum.  It was very serious work!