A Grief Observed

"If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost, but for what her dead child has lost,  it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created." CS Lewis

You think about all the things Aiden didn't get to do in the immediate future:  play on the big playground with Sam (the first day's recess was SO hard, I had to leave the playground),  losing his first tooth (we also had a tooth come out the first day of school), learning to swim, ride a bike...

So is it a comfort to believe that Aiden is in heaven?

On a lighter note: Shopping

Yesterday was our annual school shopping trip.  I hadn't even thought about the tradition I have of taking Leah and Sam to get a First Day of School outfit and a new backpack, so when Sam asked when we were going, I harrumphed and didn't really answer.  Knowing that going without Aiden, who was SO looking forward to first grade, would be hard.  But as with all decisions this summer, I had to make it with my head and not my heart, and my head said, no reason to sit at home and brood, go!  I invited Abby, she invited Nate.  I bribed Emma with the promise that we would go to Moo Creamery for lunch and she could have Just ice cream, explained to Sam that he couldn't go to our house and watch the Dodger game with Granpa because Granpa was working at school, and off we went.  First to Moo Creamery, where Emma had Just ice cream, Abby had a Guiness Float, Nate discovered Basil Lemonade ("I am never going to drink lemonade without basil!") and Chris joined us for lunch.  Then to Kohl's...Emma found an outfit that included a silvery sequined tie ("I am going to wear this everyday forever!")  Then came time to check out.  Here is how THAT went:
Cashier: Do you have a Kohl's card?
Me: Yes, but I am not going to use it today.
Cashier:  Did you get a scratch off in the mail?
Me: No, would it save me money?
Cashier: Yes, I have one here, you just have to put it on your Kohl's card.
Me: (sigh) ok...
Scratch off--15% off, good enough.
Cashier: You don't have your card with you?
Me: No, I haven't used it in a long time
Cashier: Then put your SS # in and the computer will look it up....Oh, it says your account is closed.  Would you like to reopen it?
Me;  How much will it save me today?
Cashier: 30%
Me:  It's getting better (this is now up to like,   $60! off)
     --Now I have to punch in lots of numbers to answer lots of private questions, but I am still thinking that $60 is worth it--
Cashier: Oh, you were not approved.
Me: WTH? How could I not be approved? Does it tell you why?
Cashier: It says you already have an account......
Me:  BIG SIGH
Cashier: Don't worry I will still give you a discount because of all the time you spent on this.

I walk out of the store and look at my receipt and she somehow managed to give me TWO separate 15% discounts AND a 10% SENIOR DISCOUNT.

I am not even upset about the senior discount because I saved about $80!

Yay for the cute cashier at Kohl's!

How does having faith help? Don't know...

For the last few years as I have lost (and I do not use this as a wimpy euphemism because I am reluctant to use the word die, I use it because it is how I feel after the people I care about have died, I feel that I have lost Frank, Penny,  Carol, Dory, Dad, Kathy, Ray, Aiden) these people in my life, I have been trying to figure out what life means.  Death/Life...can't have one without the other.  I don't know what the purpose of my life or anyone's life is without some kind of faith in God.  I have to believe in the soul, and I have to believe that it does not disappear into nothingness.  And if there is an eternal heavenly life, what is the point of this life?

Thank goodness CS Lewis has trod this path before me.  So in slowly reading his journal after his beloved Joy died, he asks the same questions I ask, and since he is SO smart and honest, reading his journal is almost like reading my own, if I were to keep one, which I don't because I am too lazy...

Like this:
 "Talk to me of the truth about religion and I'll listen gladly.  Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively.  But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I will suspect that you don't understand."

Yeah, I don't care about seeing them again one day "on that happy shore".  I am mourning the life that we do not now have and the future that we will never have.

Not sure what the answers are, I haven't gotten to the end of this little book, I have a feeling there are no answers, but there are lots of questions and I will not flinch from asking them, as CS Lewis doesn't flinch. So I don't know where I am going, and even if I will know when I get there...

Now what?

I have several unpublished half written posts, some of them not even complete sentences, because what can I say?  We all miss Aiden, we can't believe he is gone, we wish we knew exactly what happened that night, we are afraid of a future that now is empty of him, the shape of our family has a hole that will never be filled.  Some days we talk about him and are fine, some days are torture to get through.  The summer is about over, school starts in a week, and we dread school without him and also look forward to a more productive routine to the day than we have endured this summer.

This is a video of Aiden dictating a shopping list to me.  Filmed 2-20-2010.