Well, a few years ago, I might have thought that I might have some kind of legacy, some life wisdom to pass on to the generations, but not so much now, maybe just a legacy of discouragement. Luckily, no one is reading this anymore, so I am free to write whatever I want. Mary gave me a book called Legacy, a step-by-step guide to writing personal history. So I thought I would just open it and choose a question at random and write about it. Here goes. I will now open the book and point. Question: What have you kept and why is it meaningful to you?
The question is in the chapter called If Your Partner Died. Really? Back to that old grieving thing again? Oh, well.
Ok...pertaining to the death of Aiden, not my partner, but still...
What have I kept? Well, there is the little green glass piece of a Squirt bottle, with the picture of a little blond boy that looks just like Aiden that I found laying in the path up at Red Rock on our first venture out of the house after Aiden died. It is significant because I felt that it was some kind of extra spiritual communication. I had such a hard time during those days in the hospital because the doctors were telling us that he was brain dead, the Aiden we knew was already gone, it was just a body, heart still beating, but that's it. But then the nurses would come in and talk to him, saying things like: I am just going to give you a little stick, it will only hurt for a second, as if he were still in there, able to hear. If he was gone, I did not want to have to "talk" to his empty shell of a body. So I never said good-bye. When I found the piece of broken soda bottle, it made me think that it was ok to talk to him, that even without his body, he is still around. If I keep my eyes open, I will see the signs that he is still with us, his soul is not gone.
CS Lewis said in The Great Divorce that those who have moved on to the next stage of their eternal life do not have knowledge of what is happening down here on our physical planet. Because there is perfect joy being in the presence of God and watching our sufferings would interfere with that joy...But heaven and eternal life, life without time, is such an incomprehensible topic to our limited minds, that I have to decide that connections are forged in this life for a reason and that they are eternal.
2 comments:
People still read your blog.But I am glad that it is a place that you can go and express your feelings. I can't do that. We will climb this mountain. I promise you.
JN- your legacy is not over. You are alive and you have your own children - grown adults to watch them flourish and make mistakes and learn from them. Their needs of you change over time, yes. You have beautiful grandchildren. You are missing one of them, but there are others who love you - they love their Grandma. You are such a wonderful person with so much to offer and enrich their lives. You also touch the lives of 20-30 children every day as a quality teacher. I read your blog - not daily, but every once in a while. I scroll back to what I have missed. I also am a facebook friend, so I can see updates there too. But, please know that you are loved and cared for and you make a difference. I don't know how much you're suffering, but I worry that you don't want to live anymore. Let me just say, that life really stinks without my mom and dad. Dad died 12 years ago and Mom died 10 years ago. My two little children never knew them. It makes me cry every time I let myself think about that. I would give almost anything to have them alive today. The four of us kids were left without parents younger than most should have to. It has had an impact on all of us, particularly hard for the boys. I don't know how to help you, but if it is love you need from people - tell them/us. There are so many things I wish my Mom and Dad had said before they died. I wish I had told them how much I loved them and appreciated them and that they gave me the life I had. Now, I get to sit at their grave site and say all the things I wish I could have said to them so long ago. So, I hope you can get the love and support from your family now and I hope you can tell your children and grandchildren how much you love them. (You may already- I don't really know).
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