dreams

I dreamed last night that Aiden had been in Talladega with Papa for the last six months and I was picking him up to take him home.  It was so wonderful to hug him and hear his voice.
At one point of the dream, he was driving the car...in a KMart parking lot and Dad was telling me that he wasn't a good enough driver and I should be more careful.  I was helping steer around the posts.
 But then I was driving again and Aiden was telling me how he likes to order burgers at Sonic, with just mayonaise and no special sauce.
Before that in the dream, I tried to apply to be a substitute teacher in Talladega.  It didn't go well.  The office lady was rude and I tore up my application.

Misunderstood?

Ok, everyone, stand down.  I am not ready to jump off a cliff.  Really what I meant in my last post, and did not say very well, was how humbling life is.  You think you have the answers, and cliched as it sounds, life throws you a curve and you have to figure everything out all over again. I am just in one of the figuring things out stages.

Legacy...hmph

Well, a few years ago, I might have thought that I might have some kind of legacy, some life wisdom to pass on to the generations, but not so much now, maybe just a legacy of discouragement.  Luckily, no one is reading this anymore, so I am free to write whatever I want.  Mary gave me a book called Legacy, a step-by-step guide to writing personal history.  So I thought I would just open it and choose a question at random and write about it.  Here goes.  I will now open the book and point.  Question: What have you kept and why is it meaningful to you?
The question is in the chapter called If Your Partner Died.  Really?  Back to that old grieving thing again?  Oh, well.

Ok...pertaining to the death of Aiden, not my partner, but still...

What have I kept?  Well, there is the little green glass piece of a Squirt bottle, with the picture of a little blond boy that looks just like Aiden that I found laying in the path up at Red Rock on our first venture out of the house after Aiden died.  It is significant because I felt that it was some kind of extra spiritual communication.  I had such a hard time during those days in the hospital because the doctors were telling us that he was brain dead, the Aiden we knew was already gone, it was just a body, heart still beating, but that's it.  But then the nurses would come in and talk to him, saying things like:  I am just going to give you a little stick, it will only hurt for a second, as if he were still in there, able to hear.  If he was gone, I did not want to have to "talk" to his empty shell of a body.  So I never said good-bye. When I found the piece of broken soda bottle, it made me think that it was ok to talk to him, that even without his body, he is still around. If I keep my eyes open, I will see the signs that he is still with us, his soul is not gone.

CS Lewis said in The Great Divorce that those who have moved on to the next stage of their eternal life do not have knowledge of what is happening down here on our physical planet.  Because there is perfect joy being in the presence of God and watching our sufferings would interfere with that joy...But heaven and eternal life, life without time, is such an incomprehensible topic to our limited minds, that I have to decide that connections are forged in this life for a reason and that they are eternal.

Come

Today is one of those wretched days when all I can say is "Come, Lord Jesus, come!"  The sooner the better.  I am tired of this life.

Summer's End

Off for a couple of days to recharge our batteries before school starts.  It has been a BUSY summer.

over and done

Well, the wedding has come and gone and I don't really know how it all went...I hope that Abby and Nate and the guests enjoyed the day.  Everyone worked so hard--Ian and Louie on the fabulous food (Oh my gosh, that smoked pork was so tender and smoky), Gita on the flower arrangements, Leticia who drove all the way to LA to get the flowers, Dani and Susie and Rachel and mom on the yard decorations, Brian and Sarahbeth on the BEER!, Scott and Ian on the shade cover--Hopefully Abby and Nate will have special memories.

I know that I blew it.  I know that everyone was just trying to help.  I know that I overreacted to feeling criticized.  I also know that I function on a thin tight rope of emotion and it only takes a whisper of breath to knock me off.  So I am very sorry that I hurt the feelings of the people I love the most. I hope that I am the only one whose day was ruined by my own lack of self control.  

And now I have a couple of weeks of summer left to relax and unwind. And do nothing for a day or two.

Wedding Week

Yay!  Abby's wedding is almost here.  I really need to watch Father of the Bride so I can appreciate how well it is going, and how much easier this has been--not having a wedding planner and all.  Abby is very relaxed about it all, now that they have the marriage license!  I trust that Ian and Louie will make fantastic food and Gita will do beautiful decorations and Leticia will spiff my house up (she wants to clean the china and silver doodads in the curio cabinet...I looked at it and thought, who will see THAT, behind the door?)  Abby will look like a princess and Nate will look like a (Scottish) prince.  How fun is that?  They love each other and have been through so much already in their year together.  It will be a fun day and the beginning of their commitment to a life together.