One year ago tonight was the last time we got to hear his voice.  I do not like this new reality of the world without Aiden.  But no one ever gets to choose their reality...

It never ends.

Twice this week I have had to endure conversations with kids at school about Aiden.  Although I like to talk about him, even when it makes me sad, these conversations are so hard.  I was on playground duty and a little boy who was in Aiden's class came up to me and asked me where Aiden was.  This is a little boy who I have spoken with many times about Aiden and I tried to brush him off, change the subject, but he just wouldn't drop it.  Where IS he? He was in my class last year and he is not here now, so where IS he?  He was very insistent. Finally I said, He is in heaven.  The little boy said, That is creepy...and ran off.Then one of my own students, a little girls whose brother was in Aiden's class in preschool and in kindergarten, met me first thing this morning at the door to the room and said, Mrs. Newkirk, my brother's friend died yesterday.  Oh, no, I said, what happened?  He was in my brother's room and he had something the matter with his brain.  And I am scrambling to pull my thoughts together, thinking, how could something like this happen again.  In Mrs. Phillips room? I ask.  Yes, L says, he was my brother's friend.  Finally, I ask, what was his name?  I don't know, she says.  Are you talking about Aiden?  Yes, she says...He was my grandson, I say.  I know about him.  It is sad she says.  And into the room we go. It turns out Abby ran into her mother at Home Depot and she asked how Aiden was enjoying being a big brother.  She did not know about Aiden.  So Abby had to have this conversation with the mom in Home Depot.

Amazing Race

Ok, I have applied for Amazing Race...AGAIN!  This is the fourth time.  I didn't really intend to apply, though.  This is how it happened.  On Tuesday, Denise was in the teacher's room sharing stories of her fun trip that she just came back from...10 days in Hawaii.  She went ziplining and tubing and everything you can do in Hawaii.  And I have known Denise for 16 years and she is CRAZY!  So I said, Denise, I want to go on Amazing Race with you.  Then I forgot I even said that.  Now the thing is, Denise's husband just died after a motorcycle accident (she was on the back...I told you she is crazy...) so she needs distractions and she went home and looked up the application for Amazing Race.  Guess what?  WEDNESDAY was the deadline to apply. She came to school on Wednesday and said, Jen, I have the application all filled out, you just need to come to my room at recess to film the video.  The next thing I know we are sitting there doing a video (which wouldn't upload).  Later she came over and we did the video again and uploaded it, and now we are waiting.  We kind of played up the grieving aspect...maybe it will work.  I am a l i t t l e nervous about not being able to physically do the Race.  I don't expect to ever hear from the show.  Having been through this a few times before...

Beannacht by John O'Donohue

Thank you, Sheila, you didn't know when you handed me this beautiful blessing how fragile I was feeling and how much it would help my heart.  Here it is for anyone else who might need a blessing...

                                                                         Beannacht

("Blessing")

 

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

 

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

 

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

 

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

 

~ John O'Donohue ~

 

                                                                       

Graduation

So, Gita's big graduation day is here.  I am so glad that she found the thing that makes her happy.  Nurse Gita!  I remember reading all the Cherry Ames books and the nursing life seemed so exciting and full of possibilities.  I hope Gita finds adventure and satisfaction, making in a difference in one life after another. Congratulations sister!

Transfiguration Sunday

Almighty God, on the mountain you showed your glory in the transfiguration of your Son.  Give us the vision to see beyond the turmoil of our world and to behold the king in all His glory; through your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.

This prayer from last Sunday expresses, I think, most clearly my prayer right now.

Another day

Every day I get up and watch the sun rise and think, Today is another day that Aiden didn't get to see.  I would just really like an explanation of what happened to Aiden that night.  We are dogsitting Goober right now.  He is the only one who was with Aiden, when I found him on the floor, his face was all scratched up.  I think that Goober tried to wake him up.  It's like the murder mysteries where the dog-or cat- is the only witness and the clever detective finds a way to get the animal to let them know what happened.  Goober, what do you know?